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I still wonder.

I still wonder if things have turned the way there were always meant to be. If everything has unfolded as it should. If people left because they were supposed to. If plans failed as they planned to fail. If words were said at the right volume of voice as people watched their hopes shatter and fall like dust, free floating in the air. I wonder if it was all my fault that things ended the way they did or if they would have ended either way. If you walked away at the very right time or if I did something to spoil everything prematurely.

I wonder if feelings are really like milk that have expiration dates and if there’s really no use crying over them when they’re spilt. And when the feelings are all over the floor and you slip and fall flat on your face, what’s the right thing to do? Most often, we are so lazy or scared to fix everything and so we just let the feelings evaporate into air until all that is left is a sticky muck on the floor that later attracts ants. Then, everything just looks disgusting. Or sometimes, people gather all their strength to mop everything clean without even the littlest reminder that feelings happened and that they were wasted, too.

People say, at least, with the mess all cleaned up, you can walk away without being guilty of leaving a filthy pond of memories that choke every person who remembers it. I say, what about the remembrance of a moment that changed your life forever, just because you were filled with love? Is that worth being deleted from the memory completely? Is that not worth a little space in a treasure chamber in your heart? Would you really regret and erase the very thing that you so desperately wished for, but has now become a memory of a lie constructed by destiny? I wonder.

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Some people leave us.

Some people leave us permanently without any hopes of return when they leave us through death. People can leave us without an excuse or an apology. They leave us because they no longer have real reason to stay. They may leave us because their hearts have found better homes. They leave us because every loving memory is in shambles all over the floor and trying to pick them up and bind them together can only make things worse. They leave us at our worst days or maybe at our best days. And when they leave, they turn the best days into devastating ones. They leave us in tears or they leave us in pity or without any emotion at all.  It’s crazy when people who’ve turned our lives around just decide to walk away and leave us, with unanswered questions and untold stories. And can I just say, when some people leave us, it hurts.

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Comfort me with a smile of relief. Love.

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My love story is a memory

How does it feel to fall in love with a memory
To keep going back to the very first day
When his stare was locked with yours
And every time his lips curved into a smile
It happened because of you
Because you made each other feel that feeling
And right now, you’re thinking of somebody
A person who has long gone from your life
Or maybe he still is, but it’s no longer the same
The story you were slowly writing has ended
You were brave enough to let people know
And it’s been finished and published
You can feel the throbbing in your chest
At the place where there was once a tingle of happiness
Now only a pang of past pains remain
The memory you fell in love with flashes back
And it fades away like an ending song

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The flutter of feelings come rushing in
But, I don’t want to go too far into this little game
It has always been me to take care of my heart
To not allow the happiness in
If with it, enters the contents of Pandora’s box
There is so much to gain in a moment of freedom
But to risk it is to lose the world you’ve known so well
Is it rational to gamble a second of true happiness
If you’re going to spend the rest of forever in loneliness after?
The thoughts dance inside my head all night
Challenging my definition of sanity
The weirdest kinds of black holes suck a heartbeat out of me
Defying what I have believe in as emotions
No longer do I see clearly, this world of unfinished business
What I have thought of as love has finally departed me

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Bati na kami ni Lord :))

Can I just say, there is nothing more exhilarating, heart-warming, and tear-jerking than to feel that God has directly responded to you through words from a friend or a verse that just suddenly showed themselves? Oh my goodness, Lord! Wow.

So, these weeks, I’ve been very far from Him. I can just feel the distance and the coldness. Everything I try to fix breaks apart even more. All things that I aim for, I don’t hit. You can say I’ve been very, very out of decent luck. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng prayers ko hindi pinapakinggan, para bang mas-busy siya sa pag-bless ng ibang tao para pagtuunan ako ng pansin. Everytime I get my hopes up, the next day something bad happens that really breaks me apart. As in, patong-patong ang kamalasan na nangyayare sa akin.

And so, na-feel ko talagang nagagalit si God sa akin. Siguro may mali sa pakikitungo ko sa mga tao, or naging very tamad ako sa studies or sa pag-help ng ibang tao, or I became selfish somehow, or I became self-centered. So many sins to mention. >.< I don’t knoww.

To add to that, the lesson last Unight was about Heaven and Hell. And I felt like I was being warned that I’m falling off. I was scared. One time I was even scared to open my Bible, so I just talked to God in prayer dahil natatakot ako sa response niya sa akin. I was scared dahil baka puro verses about God’s wrath and anger na naman yung mababasa ko, which I read the night and the day before.

And so, until today, I was filled with worry, regret, fear, guilt, and shame. I just feel bad. And so, nag-open ako ng mga sites sa net about paryers/articles about regrets, laziness, and forgiveness that lead me to this verse:

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

At that moment, naiyak na lang ako. Tears, tears, tears. Then, I read it again. I just felt a great big hug from heaven, like I was being welcomed back. I felt a rush of relief and joy and comfort. I felt God’s love fill my heart as I try to blink away the remaining tears.

My Lord has shown Himself to me again! Bati na kami! :))

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